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Spousal Abuse II: Cognitive Behavioral Treatment
by William E. Adams, Ph.D.

4 Credit hours - $59

Last revised: 02/10/2005

Course content © copyright 2005 by William E. Adams, Ph.D.. All rights reserved.

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Learning Objectives

This is an intermediate level course. After taking this course, mental health professionals will be able to:

Introduction

This is the second component of the course entitled Spousal Abuse: Applied Assessment, Detection, and Intervention Strategies. The intervention strategies described in this component supplement and elaborate upon the strategies described in the initial 3-hour course (Spousal Abuse I: Assessment, Detection, and Intervention Strategies). If you have not taken the first course, I recommend that you do so. The concepts presented in that course are essential for treatment providers. In addition, this course will be more meaningful if you have taken the first course, and the concepts and terminology in the pages to come will be easier to follow. Further, some individuals, (e.g., California psychologists), will find that the first course addresses issues such as assessment and same gender abuse dynamics, which satisfy the CE requirements in spousal abuse for their Boards of Psychology.

The cognitive-behavioral strategies in the pages that follow greatly enhance the treatment plan introduced in the first spousal abuse course. They are an integral part of our dedicated counseling program for spousal abuse, where they have shown their worth over many years. More to the point, they help our clients stop verbal and physical abuse. In addition, individuals taking course one and the present course will satisfy the 7-hour continuing education requirement in spousal abuse of the California Board of Behavioral Sciences.

The intent of this course is to provide practical, applied treatment strategies for spousal abuse. The strategies presented here are not the only way to approach the issue. Be assured, however, that these strategies evolved over many years of actual work with abusive clients; in the counseling room, they have shown themselves to be effective. If counselors are humble enough to listen to their clients, they will tell you what the relevant treatment issues are. Moreover, they will tell you which strategies are effective in addressing their issues, and which strategies are not effective. Through trial and error, and by listening carefully to their feedback, these strategies gradually took form.

I am happy to respond to questions or comments about the treatment strategies presented in this course. You may contact me here. You may purchase my treatment manual by clicking on The Choices Program: How to Stop Hurting the People Who Love You.

Is It Always About Power and Control?

Listening to clients can force a counselor to reconsider his or her assumptions about things. In the early years of my practice, I earnestly subscribed to the Duluth model (or, to be fair, to the Duluth model as it had been explained to me in spousal abuse seminars). The Duluth model was the dominant treatment model of the time. Many still regard it as the treatment model of choice for spousal violence. Over time, I began to question two of my widely held assumptions. I assumed that men hit women; the converse – the notion that women hit men–was so rare as to be unimportant in the overall scheme of things. If women did hit men, I believed, it was probably in self-defense. Secondly, I assumed that spousal abuse was all about power and control; men engaged in spousal abuse in order to maintain control over women and maintain their status in a patriarchal society. Listening to men and women describe their abusive incidents, however, eventually led me to question both assumptions.

I say “eventually” because the shift in my thinking took time. In some cases, the Duluth assumptions were correct; men were clearly the abusers, and they clearly abused to maintain control over the women in their lives. For example, in reply to the question, “Why did you slap your girlfriend,” one client replied, “Because she didn’t do what I told her to do!” The “power and control” model easily accounted for his abusive conduct toward his girlfriend. Many times, however, the model accounted for only a portion of the problem. Joe was a good example.

Man Assaults His Spouse at LAX

Joe entered counseling expressing deep remorse and guilt for his abusive conduct toward his wife. He presented as jovial, eager to please, and somewhat self-depreciating. He characterized his seventeen-year relationship with his wife as one in which he was constantly striving to “keep her happy.” Joe’s wife was often verbally abusive to him. Although she was much smaller than Joe was, she frequently embarrassed him and humiliated him in front of others. She had slapped him from time to time, but her physical aggression was less frequent.

Joe did not retaliate for the abuse, either verbally or physically, for seventeen years. Indeed, he never even stood up for himself. When asked about his submissive behavior, Joe talked about his physical appearance; he was extremely overweight. Joe explained, “I was afraid to say anything back to her because I was afraid she would leave me. I’d be alone. No one else would want to be with a guy who looks the way I do. I’m just lucky that anyone wants to be with me.”

One day, Joe and his wife were retrieving their luggage in an airport after a long and tiring flight. It was a hot summer day, and Joe sweated heavily as he struggled with all of their bags. His wife was angry about something, and she was giving Joe an earful as he struggled along. Joe kept silent. “Then something happened that’s never happened before,” said Joe. “My wife said, ‘I’m going to the car and leave you here, and you can find your own way home!’”. Suddenly, Joe just did not care anymore. He dropped the bags with a “plop” and punched her in the face, knocking her to the floor. “There was a policeman standing right there watching me,” said Joe. “I saw him, but I didn’t even care.” (The officer who witnessed the assault produced a nightstick and, needless to say, Joe soon cared a lot.)

In counseling, Joe described sincere feelings of shock and remorse for his behavior that day. “Teach me everything you can, Doc,” pleaded Joe. “I NEVER want to do anything like that again!” Power and control issues played a role in Joe’s incident, but it would be overly simplistic to ascribe the incident to control issues alone. Joe’s lack of assertiveness, self-devaluation, and insecurity played a large role. Passivity in the face of his wife’s abusive behavior may have encouraged more of the same. Effective problem-solving skills were lacking. Most striking of all is the shift between long periods of passivity and brief but violent episodes of aggression.

Joe is not the victim in this case. Nothing justifies or excuses his abusive and violent conduct; as indicated in the first course, Joe has to assume full responsibility for his behavior if he is to make progress. However, I do want to stress the variety of issues - in addition to power and control - which counselors often need to address over the course of treatment for spousal abuse.

Woman Stabs Husband at Dinner

Counselors also need to be open to the possibility that women get violent too, and for the same reasons that men do. Think of spousal abuse as a human problem, rather than a gender-specific one. The following vignette describes Maria, an immigrant from an Asian country. Her issues are similar to those of Joe.

Maria came to America to marry. Her marriage, arranged by her family, was to a man many years older than she was. By Maria’s report, it was never a loving relationship. Her husband never hit or physically abused Maria, but he frequently insulted and verbally humiliated her, both publicly and privately. Although she was unhappy with the marriage, she believed that she had no alternative to making the best of it. Given her cultural and religious values, she believed that divorce was unacceptable. Like Joe, Maria passively submitted to her spouse’s verbal assaults.

As Maria cooked dinner one evening, her husband sat at the kitchen table. He began to harangue her, his words growing more cutting as he talked. Maria was doing some cutting of her own. She was chopping carrots, listening to him drone on and on. For the first time in her marriage, Maria crossed the “I don’t care” line. She turned, flung the kitchen knife at her husband, and then stared in disbelief when it struck solidly in his abdomen – a professional knife-thrower could not have done better. He slumped to the floor, the kitchen knife protruding from his stomach and his blood soaking the floor. The husband survived; he filed for divorce while Maria served time in jail.

The relevant treatment issues in Maria’s case closely mirror those of Joe.

Her lack of assertiveness, her passivity in the face of overt verbal hostility from her partner, and the absence of effective problem-solving are most striking. Again, as in Joe’s case, one finds the shift from long periods of passivity to a brief, violent episode of aggression. An imbalance of power in the relationship is also apparent, but it is one of several relevant treatment issues.

The Loss of an Ear

Janet was a strong and athletically-built woman. As a client, she presented with a different set of issues. Janet’s childhood and adolescence were characterized by violent acting out. Physically aggressive to her peers, she often initiated physical fights. Due to the frequency and severe nature of her assaults on others, she spent time in juvenile hall as an adolescent, and served time in jail on numerous occasions as a young adult. During one jail term, she said that she had “found Jesus.” She saw the light, she told those around her, and intended to start a new life, a Christian one, upon her release.

True to her word, Janet attended church regularly after her release. In time, she met a fine Christian boy and they soon became a couple. Janet’s new life was very satisfying to her; things were going splendidly. She read the Bible with her new boyfriend, attended church regularly, and kept the terms of her probation. In time, however, the rose on her new relationship faded; she started to argue, and then to verbally quarrel with her boyfriend. It is unlikely that the young boyfriend had ever met anyone quite like Janet in his circle of friends at church, and he could not have known how ill-advised it was to fight with her.

One day, a verbal quarrel led to a push. The boyfriend pushed Janet back. Janet pushed harder. The boyfriend intended to push Janet again, but as he came near, Janet placed him in a headlock. They flailed around the living room, the boyfriend trying to break free and Janet tightening her grip. The harder the boyfriend struggled, the angrier (and less Christian) Janet felt. Then she saw his ear. She bit it.

Several months after the incident, and after serving another jail term, Janet described what happened next. “Dr. Adams,” she said, “it was awful! I could feel my teeth go right through his ear, and then the ear came off in my mouth! I spit it out. Blood was everywhere. The worst part is, the doctors couldn’t sew his ear back on. We never even found his ear. While I was trying to stop the bleeding and I was calling 911 . . . well . . . the dog ate it.”

What are the salient treatment issues in Janet’s case? The presence of a conduct disorder comes to mind, and ruling out the possibility of a personality disorder seems warranted. Janet is also distinguished from most of my clients in that her aggressive and violent conduct is generalized, rather than specific to the domestic relationship. Once again, power and control issues are one of many deserving of consideration in a treatment plan. Issues the dog may have are beyond the scope of this course.

A Domestic Violence Homicide

One might easily assume that all treatment models for spousal abuse would give the detection and treatment of pre-existing psychiatric disorders a high priority. Unfortunately, it is my experience that this is not always the case. Some treatment models may over-emphasize the issue of “inequality” and “power” in relationships; as important as those issues are, they fail to address relevant psychiatric issues to the detriment of clients and victims alike. Put another way, some treatment models may follow a “social” model (re-socialization) in cases that call for a “bio-psycho-social” model. Do not make this mistake. Concurrent therapeutic and medical intervention for pre-existing disorders is an essential component of spousal abuse counseling for many clients.

Mike, an early client of mine, provides an excellent illustration of the importance of multiple intervention strategies in cases of spousal abuse. Mike made good progress in his early stages of counseling. I met his wife and children when they picked him up after his sessions, and his wife made a point of telling me how happy she was with the changes she saw in Mike. Mike was proud of his progress, and optimistic that he had put his abusive behavior behind him. Unfortunately, everything changed several months into his counseling.

Mike’s demeanor grew sullen, and he became increasingly irritable and uncooperative. He was easily agitated, argumentative, restless, and pessimistic. Nothing pleased him. His dark transformation was so sudden and pronounced, so unlike Mike as I had come to know him, that I pulled him aside after a counseling group. When questioned, Mike eventually disclosed that he was under a doctor’s care for a psychiatric disorder, and that he had stopped taking his medication. For reasons of his own, Mike failed to disclose this information during his intake. We addressed the issue of medical non-compliance, and the problem seemed to be resolved. Mike soon returned to his familiar ways. He was cooperative, productive in his sessions, and he made strong progress in his counseling program. By all accounts, Mike made excellent progress in spousal abuse counseling; he had been an exemplary client.

I lost touch with Mike after he completed his spousal abuse counseling. More than a year later, someone laid a newspaper clipping on my desk. It was about Mike. Mike had a verbal confrontation with his wife, the article said. According to the neighbors, she demanded that Mike leave the house. The evidence indicated that Mike started to pack his clothes, but for some reason he stopped. Instead of leaving, he retrieved a gun and shot his wife. He then turned the gun on his children. None of them survived. Mike then took his own life. The article reported that Mike’s neighbors knew that he was off his medication again; they could tell that by the way he was acting.

In presenting these vignettes, it is not the intent to belittle treatment models for spousal abuse centered upon establishing equality between genders and addressing men’s power and control issues. In California, where I practice, many counselors in the field adhere to these models with an almost militant zeal. Sometimes power and control issues are extremely important. In many cases, however, power and control issues are not the only, or even the most salient, factors in spousal violence. Some of my colleagues may brand me a heretic, but I am going to say it: it is not always about power and control.

Review of Treatment Concepts from Spousal Abuse I

As some readers may have bypassed the first spousal abuse course, and others may have taken it some time ago, I want to begin by reviewing the basic treatment approach suggested in Spousal Abuse I: Applied Assessment, Detection, and Intervention Strategies.

In the beginning stages of counseling, the client’s primary goal is to “stay in The Box,” or avoid further episodes of abuse, by following the behavioral directives implicit in The Box model. Expect that new clients will express understanding of the model, but that their early efforts to stay in The Box will often fail. Failure is usually due to a lack of skill in attending to or applying the directives in the model. When clients report new incidents of abusive conduct, the counselor should evaluate with the client which of the directives in The Box were ignored, and reinforce their importance. Did you see your warning signs? Were you looking for them? Did you call a time-out when you saw your warning signs? What was the first thing you said or did that was “out of The Box?” Confront any attempt to avoid responsibility for abusive behavior, but be supportive of the client’s efforts to change. Most clients will have to go through many episodes of conflict before they develop proficiency in “running the play” as it is meant to be run.

Clients often find it helpful to evaluate their own proficiency. I sometimes compare The Box to a designed play in a football game. The game starts when clients are “knocked out” of the OK Zone by a relational problem. Did they run the play as designed in the team meeting (the counseling session)? Asking clients to rate their “level of play” as amateur (I totally forgot everything the coach told me), as semi-pro (I ran most of the play as designed, but I could have done better), or as pro (I followed all of the directives with excellent results) often elicits surprisingly frank self-evaluations. Encouraging clients to search for opportunities to practice the play in all areas of their lives, at work, in rush hour traffic, and whenever tension rises, often speeds their proficiency.

Within 8 to 12 weeks, most clients demonstrate their ability to stay in The Box (shown below) during relational conflict. They can run the play consistently. They are able to avoid verbally or physically abusive behavior through self-monitoring, recognizing their warning signs, maintaining a problem-solving focus, and detaching themselves from the conflict in time to keep their tension level below the “I don’t care” lines. The first goal – eliminating out of The Box behavior – has been achieved. Clients have established a safe and stable environment in which problem solving can take place. It is time to introduce new skills.

Bob Attains Pro Status

During the past week, I met with two clients, Bob and Mark. They told me about two recent incidents that illustrate the concepts above. Both Bob and Mark have an extensive history of spousal abuse. Bob has applied the directives associated with staying in The Box consistently for several weeks. When problems arose with his ex-wife, Sally, Bob watched for his warning signs, stayed focused on the problem, and disengaged when he saw himself about to get out of The Box. His primary goal was staying in The Box, rather than resolving the point of disagreement. When tension flared during arguments about visitation on the telephone, for example, Bob said, “I have to go now, but I’ll call you back in a few minutes.” He hung up, took a few minutes to think rationally and lower his tension level below the “I don’t care what I say” line, reminded himself to attack the problem rather than Sally, and called her back with a calm demeanor. Rather than fight about the problem, they talked about it. Recently, Bob and Sally attended their son’s soccer game. Sally approached Bob during the game about a problem. As the tension rose, Sally said some hurtful things to Bob, but rather than retaliate, Bob simply said they would talk later and returned to his seat.

Last week, Bob received a surprising email from Sally. She told Bob about the remarkable changes she had seen in him. After her sharp words to Bob during the soccer game, for example, she returned to her own seat, thinking, “Oh, shit! I’m in for it now.” She expected Bob to bully her in the parking lot after the game. She also expected Bob to call her several times on the phone to rant, call her “a fucking bitch,” and threaten her. Sally knew that Bob well. Sally was surprised, to say the least, when Bob took his son by the hand after the game, said goodbye to Sally, and left without incident. In her email, Sally told Bob that she wished he had taken counseling during their marriage. If he had, she said, things might have turned out differently for them.

Bob achieved his initial counseling goal; he stays in The Box. He has attained “pro” status. Bob knew it, and those who know him best see it. Notice, however, that while Bob is able to stay in The Box, the problems, that is, the specific points of disagreement, are not being resolved. Bob is “staying in” The Box, but he is not yet able to “work through” The Box and return to the OK Zone. There is still a lot of work to do. However, Bob has demonstrated his ability to maintain a safe environment wherein specific problems can be resolved; in his tenth week of counseling, he has laid the foundation for the next stage of the treatment protocol.

Mark, the Semi-pro

Bob’s pro status contrasts sharply with the semi-pro status of Mark, another client I met with this week. Mark and Betty are married and have one child, but their marriage is in jeopardy and there are many stressors in their relationship. This is the second marriage for both Mark and Betty. Betty is a licensed medical professional, but she lost her employment several years ago due to a substance abuse problem. She is currently unemployed. Betty has relapsed a number of times. Her most recent relapse involved stealing her son’s medication for hyperactivity. Mark has grown increasingly controlling toward Betty. He sometimes lectures her like a child, and he acknowledges past episodes of abusive behavior towards her. Their efforts to resolve their problems are wholly ineffective, and usually result in abusive words and behavior. Incidents involving mutual combat between Mark and Betty are increasingly frequent. Frustrated, irritable, and mildly depressed, Mark decided to seek counseling.

In his last session, Mark talked about an incident that occurred a few days before. As he was brushing his teeth, he noticed that Betty had put a new tube of toothpaste in the medicine cabinet. He was sure that Betty threw away the old tube of toothpaste, which was still half full. Mark thought, “That’s just like her. Throwing away a half-full tube of toothpaste is like throwing away two or three dollars. We’ve been over and over this!” A moment later, Mark was in the bedroom lecturing Betty about the cost of things. Betty lay down on the bed and tried her best to avoid a confrontation by ignoring Mark. “When you throw away a half-full tube . . .,” Mark droned on as he walked around the bed. Betty continued to ignore Mark, which aggravated him. He wanted to say something to get a response, and he did. “If I was irresponsible like you,” he said, “if I didn’t have to do anything but lay around all day, if I didn’t have work and pay for stuff, I’d just throw shit out, too!” That hit the mark. Betty jumped up, lashing out with cutting remarks of her own. Mark started to yell back, but he stopped. He caught his warning signs (finally) and disengaged to give himself time to calm down.

Mark is an amateur trying to reach the skill level of a semi-pro. In our session, Mark evaluated his own status as an “amateur.” He acknowledged that he did not think of looking for his warning signs when he first felt the tension inside himself start to rise. Further, he did not notice his warning signs until he was well out of The Box (attacking Betty rather than the problem). On a positive note, Mark checked himself before the incident escalated further, something that he certainly would not have done a few weeks earlier. Mark’s story is characteristic of the learning curve reported by most clients. He will probably have many such experiences before he attains Bob’s level of proficiency at following the directives in The Box, but I am confident that he will get there, as so many have before him.

OK, I’m Staying In “The Box” – Now What?

Mark’s story also illustrates how seemingly trivial problems quickly escalate when clients lack adequate problem-solving skills. In my experience, most abusive clients are in dire need of such skills. As clients such as Bob enter the second stage of counseling, they have minimized or eliminated verbal abuse, and physical abuse is typically absent. The affective tension and conflict between spouses over specific problems, however, remains high. Although clients now stay in The Box, their problem-solving efforts often have mixed results. The focus changes from “staying in” The Box to “working through” The Box (problem-solve and return to the OK Zone). The treatment plan focuses on developing greater non-abusive problem-solving skills to address specific points of disagreement. By working through The Box, rather than just staying in The Box, clients reduce spousal conflict and lower the average tension level between the partners. As illustrated in The Box model above, returning to the OK Zone requires sound non-violent problem solving strategies.

Chapter 1: Non-Violent Problem Solving

Clients must assume full responsibility for stopping their verbally or physically abusive behavior. Once they demonstrate the ability to stay in The Box, more attention can be given to resolving specific problems, or points of disagreement, between the spouses. Non-violent problem-solving strategies are established. The process usually begins by helping the client understand that partners who respect each other, who cooperate and work together as allies, can solve almost any problem. However, blaming, controlling, and hurtful behaviors cause fights, build walls between partners, and make it almost impossible to resolve problems. The client must learn how to create an environment in his/her relationship that is conducive to problem solving rather than fighting. Clients learn to eliminate behaviors that blame, control, or hurt their partners, and they learn to monitor their success by watching their partners’ reactions to their words. Clients also learn to ask their partners to tell them whenever their words or actions are blaming, controlling, or hurtful.

The pages that follow will provide you with the concepts and skills our clients use to solve problems successfully and return to the OK Zone. One of the cornerstones of The Choices Program is helping clients become skilled problem- solvers. To understand why problem-solving skills are so important in this treatment plan, let us review some of the concepts of The Box model. The model suggests that life is good for our clients until a problem comes up–a point of disagreement that shakes our clients and their partners out of the safety and comfort of the OK Zone. Problems give rise to tension in the form of annoyance, resentment, anger, jealousy, or similar feelings. Tension grows and lingers until our clients and their partners solve the problem. Solve the problem successfully, and they return to the OK Zone. Fail to solve the problem, and the tension will intensify and threaten to push our clients out of The Box.

Some people are natural problem solvers. Unfortunately, abusive clients are not found among these people. Natural problem solvers resolve their relationship problems quickly and with minimal tension; abusive clients find resolving problems with their partners a daunting task. They usually end up outside The Box – verbally or physically abusing their partners – when a problem comes up, regardless of how minor the problem may be (remember Mark and his toothpaste issues). With practice, abusive clients can become intelligent and proficient problem-solvers who spend more time in the comfort of the OK Zone, reduce the average tension level in the relationship, and above all, stay in The Box.

Why Problem-Solving Fails

In the early stages of our program, we noted the difficulty that abusive clients had with solving relatively minor problems within The Box model. We made considerable efforts to interview clients about their problem-solving experiences in the hopes of understanding why their problem-solving endeavors so frequently failed. In the process, the themes of blame, hurt, and control consistently emerged. In response, the following strategies were developed.

Blaming, bossy and hurtful statements are the most common hazards that abusive clients blunder into when addressing specific problems with their partners. They block communication and they build walls between partners, making it impossible for them to solve their problems. They also increase the likelihood of verbal abuse and physical violence because they escalate anger, frustration, and defensiveness between the client and his or her partner. Even worse, they have the power to turn spouses who should be allies against the problem into adversaries. The thing to remember about blaming, bossy and hurtful statements is this: if clients use them, they are sure to get into a fight. Blaming, bossy and hurtful statements almost always trigger fights. Whenever a client reports having a fight with his partner, the chances are high that the partner perceived our client as one or more of the following – blaming, bossy, or hurtful. These behaviors block problem-solving and cause fights.

Blaming, bossy, and hurtful statements build walls between clients and their partners and keep them from solving their problems.

Blaming

It is easy to solve problems when clients and their partners work together as a team. When they cooperate and work together as allies, they can solve almost any problem. Blaming, however, destroys the feeling that they are working as the same team against the problem. When clients blame their partners for a problem, they become adversaries. It becomes the client against the partner, rather than the client and the partner against the problem. When the partner feels attacked and defensive, problem-solving comes to a standstill. Any feeling of cooperation and teamwork that once existed is lost. That is why our clients learn to avoid blaming their spouses for a problem, even when they think he or she is clearly at fault. Whether their partners are truly to blame for a problem or not, the results are always the same: defensiveness and fighting about whom is to blame. Before our clients say anything to their spouses about a problem, they first stop and ask themselves, “Do I want to make my partner angry and defensive, or do I want my partner to help me solve this problem?”

It is always easier to blame someone for a problem than to solve it, but problems are not solved by pointing fingers and affixing blame. When a client blames his/her spouse for a problem, he is asking the wrong question: “Whose fault is it that we have this problem?” Better to ask, “What is the problem that needs to be solved?” and, “How can we work together to solve this problem?” Good problem-solvers do not waste time trying to fix blame. Like a dog chasing its tail, clients and their partners often argue endlessly about where blame lies. Even if they do finally agree about who caused the problem, the problem will still be there, unsolved and building tension. Clients must learn that it is better to focus their efforts on how the two of them can work together to solve the problem, rather than on who should be blamed for it. When they skip the “Blame Game,” they will have fewer arguments (and fights) and solve problems more easily. In the problem solving steps that come later, the question of blame never comes up. Teach clients that they do not have to assign blame in order to solve a problem. In fact, problem-solving is easier when the issue of blame never arises. The goal is not to fix blame. Rather, the goal is to solve problems and get back to the OK Zone.

To avoid the Blame Game, clients have to stay out of the “You Mode.” You know what I mean by the You Mode. Clients are in the You Mode when they point their index finger at their spouses and shout, “YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU!” The You Mode guarantees an angry and defensive reaction from the spouse, and it is a great way to turn a caring partner into an angry adversary. It is also a terrible way to problem-solve.

Bossy

No one likes bossy and controlling people. Equality and mutual respect are imperative in an abuse-free relationship. There are no bosses in egalitarian relationships, and for good reason. Bossy people cultivate adversaries, not teammates. Good problem-solvers know better than to come across to their partners as bossy. When a client comes across to his spouse as controlling, he or she will resist what our client has to say, even if the solutions offered make sense. When a partner constantly rejects our client’s solutions to problems, she or he may be rejecting the attempts at control rather than the solutions themselves. That is why clients should never try to force a solution on their partners, no matter how good they believe their solutions are. To improve their problem-solving skills, clients must learn to approach their partners as equals and seek solutions through communication, negotiation, and compromise. They must learn that it is always more important to stay on the same team by showing mutual respect than to solve a particular point of disagreement. Allies eventually solve their problems peacefully, adversaries fight about them. Allies learn not to turn a partner into an adversary by being bossy.

To demonstrate what happens when one person tries to control another, just grab your client by the wrist. Slowly pull on his or her wrist and watch the reaction. Your client will pull away from you. No one likes being pushed or pulled, even when he or she is being pushed or pulled in the right direction. An attempt to control another person almost always gets a rebellious reaction. It is in our nature to resist bossy people. This is not the dynamic that clients want to create when problem-solving. Rather, they need to develop a spirit of cooperation and teamwork with their partners. For many abusive clients, this comes as a profound insight.

About Power and Control

Power and control issues are so prevalent among this population of clients that it is worth taking a close look at them. Power in relationships refers to the ability to get one’s way and make all the important decisions. In some relationships, partners divide power equally. When it comes to decisions about things like where to live, access to money, time spent with friends, or the division of household chores, both partners contribute to the decision-making process. Both partners have the right to express their thoughts and feelings openly and without intimidation. They solve problems as equals through communication, negotiation, compromise, and mutual respect for each other’s opinions. Partners that share power in their relationships do not try to control their one another. They do not bully or force their partners to do something against their will. They understand that attempting to get control or power over their partners turns them into adversaries. In an atmosphere of anger, resentment, and intimidation, partners never really resolve their problems, and they never get back to the OK Zone. Couples that value equality in their relationships know that in forcing solutions upon one another, partners will not resolve their differences, however “right” the solutions seem to be.

Tom and Chris

Unfortunately, not all relationships are founded upon mutual respect and an equitable distribution of power. One person sometimes convinces his or herself that he/she is the boss of the spouse, the king of the castle, the lord of the house, or whatever. These people do not share power; they covet it. Whenever one person has more power than one’s partner, there is the potential to abuse that power. Tom, a client of mine, was such a man. He reveled in power. Like a king in his realm, Tom brandished total control over his partner, Chris. She and the children lived in abject fear of Tom, because he was capable of terrible acts of abuse when he did not get his way. In order to maintain power over Chris, he socially isolated her. He objected to her leaving the house without him. He even enraged himself whenever he checked the telephone bill (he did this every month) and saw that Chris had talked to her mother (long distance) or friends (trouble-makers) on the telephone. One by one, family and friends drifted away from Chris until she was socially isolated.

Chris was a free citizen in this country; she did not surrender any of her rights when she married Tom. Unfortunately, he did not see it that way. Tom refused to let Chris work, and she had to ask Tom for money to buy groceries. After going to the store, Chris gave Tom the receipt and the change, which Tom pocketed. Of course, Tom made sure that Chris’ name was not on the family checks, credit cards, or bank accounts. Tom often accused Chris of cheating, and used that as an excuse to beat her, although he acknowledged later that he knew that he was the only one who cheated in the marriage. Chris eventually got away from Tom. She left, barefoot and without a cent, with the kids in tow. She ran all the way to the women’s shelter when she left, because she was sure he would kill her if he found her leaving.

I wish that I could say the story ended happily, but that was not the case. After giving lip service to counseling for a time, he stopped attending. Counseling threatened his control over Chris, who eventually returned to Tom. He promised her that things would be different, and she told me that she believed him. In the end, I lost contact with them. While not all clients are as controlling as Tom, I present their story here to illustrate how controlling some clients can be, and how resistant they can be to surrendering control.

While either gender can engage in controlling behavior, some argue that men have a cultural predisposition to seeing themselves as boss. After all, men have historically held most of the power in relationships. Men have traditionally held a privileged position in which they were the “head of the household,” and the home was their “castle.” Women traditionally yielded to the husband’s decisions on matters of importance, as though his needs, wants, and opinions were more important than hers were.

In the eyes of many male clients, that is as things should be. After all, they reason, men are the traditional “breadwinners” for the family. Shouldn’t the fact that his partner depends upon him for her financial well-being earn him some extra privileges around the home? Doesn’t he “pay to have the say?” Hasn’t he earned the right to have the final word about important family matters? The proper answer is no, he has not. Power in an adult relationship should not be based upon who earns a larger paycheck. How many men would be willing to assume a traditionally “female role” the moment she earns a larger income? Not many. I’ve known more than a few clients who lost their jobs and were forced to depend upon their spouses’ income. To a man, each complained – loudly – that the spouse was abusing her new financial power to control and manipulate him. They did not like it a bit. I do not think women care for it either.

Other men have argued that they should be the head of the household (have their way all the time), arguing that that is the way things have always been. I point out that there are many traditions in our society, but not all of them were good. Slavery was a “tradition” in this country, but today no reasonable person looks at slavery with anything but regret and outrage. The old ways were not necessarily better ways. Just because something was a tradition doesn’t mean that it was the right way, or the best way, only that it used to be that way. Be prepared to address these issues with your clients; they will come up often over the course of counseling.

When it comes to power and control issues, remind clients of this: even if they succeed in forcing their partners to do something against their will, the partner will resent them for it. No one likes to be bullied.

The three stories that follow illustrate this point. While the stories do not involve physical violence, they are presented as examples of how problems can be handled when partners see each other as equals, and neither partner tries to force his or her will on the other.

Samantha and Laura

Samantha and Laura had been together for years, but they were on the verge of breaking up when I met them for couple’s counseling. The problem was that Laura had a friend whom Samantha disliked intensely. Samantha firmly believed that Laura’s friend was a bad influence on Laura. When Laura visited her friend she usually drank a lot, and Laura would come home late at night and intoxicated. Every time this happened, Samantha and Laura got into a verbal fight. Samantha blamed Laura’s friend for their problems. It seemed like the friend deliberately tried to cause problems between Samantha and Laura. For example, Laura always promised Samantha that she would be home by midnight. Once Laura’s friend learned of the promise, she would try to make Laura late, knowing that it would provoke an argument between the couple.

Samantha tried everything she could think of to get Laura to stop seeing her friend. She reasoned, shouted, pleaded, and finally threatened to break up. Nevertheless, Laura was determined to keep seeing her friend. Laura admitted that her friend was a bad influence, but she wouldn’t let Samantha say with whom she could and couldn’t go out. Unable to resolve the issue, Samantha and Laura seriously considered ending their relationship.

Through counseling, Samantha learned to stop pushing Laura on the issue and she stopped trying to control Laura. She told Laura, “It hurts me that you want continue to go out with your friend. I think she likes to cause problems between us. When you go out with her, I feel like you’re choosing her over our relationship. But I’m not going to ask you to stop seeing your friend. You have the right to see anyone you want. I don’t like her, but you have the right to decide whether to continue your friendship with her. I just wanted you to know how I feel.” After Samantha told Laura that she would respect her decision about her friend, the power struggle stopped. Laura no longer felt controlled, and both were free to focus on the things that they valued in their own relationship. About two weeks later, Laura surprised us all by announcing that she had stopped seeing her friend because she was a negative influence on her. Samantha was as surprised as anyone.

Gamblin’ Joe

Joe loved to gamble. In fact, Joe gambled on anything and everything, no matter what the odds. The problem was, Joe was the worst gambler ever, and he was always broke. Though he was penniless, Joe fell in love a beautiful young woman named Naomi and asked her to marry him. Naomi loved Joe as much as he loved her, but being a sensible woman, she was worried about his gambling. Joe promised to stop gambling once they were married, and after that, Naomi agreed to marry him. I met Joe some thirty years later, and he told me the following story.

“I broke my promise twice in all the years we’ve been married. The first time, I lost most of my money, but Naomi didn’t say a word about it. A few months later, I got the urge again. This time, I drove to Las Vegas after work without even telling Naomi. I gambled all night until I lost every dollar of my paycheck. There was nothing to do after that but go home and face Naomi. When I got home the next morning, I expected the worst. I’d broken my promise, stayed out all night, and lost my whole paycheck. I walked in the house expecting her to be mad. Who wouldn’t be, after what I did? But she just smiled at me and said, ’You must be hungry, sit down and I’ll fix you some breakfast.’ I couldn’t believe it! I sat at the kitchen table while she made bacon and eggs, coffee – the biggest breakfast ever. She didn’t say one word about me being gone all night, the money, or anything. I sure didn’t bring it up. After all these years, she’s still never said a word about it.”

Joe smiled as he thought back over the years and said, “I’ve never gambled since.”

The Lonely Sailor

In his book, Thunder Below, Admiral Eugene Fluckey tells a story about his life as a young naval officer in Panama during World War II. One of his duties in 1942 was to censor the mail of sailors stationed at the Coco Solo Submarine base. This was a dull and time-consuming job, but one day an interesting letter caught his eye. A sailor wrote to his wife that he had not left the base on liberty since the war began. He was so desperate for a woman that he could not trust himself to be faithful off the base. Abstinence, he wrote, was driving him crazy. He just had to have a woman, but he would never do such a terrible thing without her permission. Would she think it over and give him her answer – quickly?

Two weeks later, her answer arrived. In her letter, she told her husband that she loved him, and the letter had brought tears to her eyes. She wished they could be together, but she never wanted him to change. She gave him permission to have another woman, with the provision that he did not fall in love with her, did not bring home something that he did not go away with – or pay too much for it. The sailor, noted the admiral, never left the base.

In telling the stories of Samantha, Joe, and the lonely sailor I am NOT suggesting that anyone should become passive in their relationships. To the contrary, both partners must be free to state how they feel, and free to bring up problems. NOR am I condoning alcohol abuse, reckless gambling, or infidelity. There are some behaviors that no partner should be expected to tolerate in a relationship. I AM suggesting that pushing one’s will on his or her partner blocks problem solving, while accepting your partner as an equal – as a person whom you have no right to control – makes problem-solving easier. Controlling behavior builds a wall between partners that keeps them from resolving problems and prevents them from getting back to the OK Zone, as diagramed below.

Controlling Tactics Block Problem Solving

Hurt

Hurtful comments are things said to hurt, insult, or humiliate a partner. They have no place in problem-solving, and they should have no place in our clients’ relationships. When clients say hurtful things, anger spirals upward, battle lines are drawn, and the fight is on. Teaching clients to avoid hurtful statements – even in retaliation for something said to them – is an important component in problem-solving. Our clients cannot be part of the solution when they contribute to the problem. Whenever clients find themselves looking for a fight and feel that they just cannot help making irresponsible and hurtful comments, they should take a time-out and pull themselves together. Until their attitude improves, no one will want to talk to them anyway.

To summarize, work with clients to help them:

Teach Clients to Watch Their Partners’ Reactions

Sometimes clients come across to their partners as blaming, controlling, or hurtful when they are not trying to be. More often, they are not aware of how blaming, controlling, or hurtful their words really are. The best way for clients to screen for their own blaming, bossy, or hurtful behavior is to watch their partners’ reactions to what they say. If their partners respond to their words with anger, defensiveness, or rebellious resistance, they are probably coming across as blaming, controlling, or hurting, and they need to change their approach.

If your clients are to become good problem-solvers, it is important to communicate that it does not matter whether they INTEND to blame, boss, or hurt their spouse. The reactions they get from their partners are the same, whether they intend to come across that way or not – problem-solving ends and the fight is on. Anytime our clients find themselves in a fight, the odds are good that their partners PERCEIVE them as blaming, bossy, or hurtful. The chart below is a rough guide that my clients use when they are talking to their partners about a problem. It tells them whether they are blaming, controlling, or hurting by watching their partners’ reactions to their comments.

When I: My Partner Will Feel: And React To Me By:
Blame Defensive Blaming me back
Control Rebellious Criticize my solutions
Hurt Angry Hurting back

The hard part is getting abusive clients to understand that the decision not to blame, control, or verbally hurt a partner has nothing to do with who is right and who is wrong. Avoiding these behaviors is simply good strategy. Effective problem-solvers choose not to engage in blaming, controlling, or hurting behavior because it is harmful to their relationships and blocks problem-solving efforts.

Encourage Clients to Become Leaders

I often tell my clients, male and female alike, that I expect them to become leaders in their home. “If you and your partner constantly fight about problems rather than solving them,” I say, “someone needs to start showing some leadership. That might as well be you.” I am VERY CLEAR, however, to explicitly explain what I mean by “leadership.” Leadership does not mean telling a partner what to do or trying to be the boss in the home. Leadership means leading by example. It means putting the welfare of the relationship first. Leadership means showing respect to your partner, handling your anger responsibly, and showing a willingness to make meaningful changes in your own behavior to make your relationship better. It means handling problems skillfully and above all, staying in The Box.

Responding to Partners Who Blame, Hurt, and Control

Clients often ask, “What do I do when my partner blames, bosses, or hurts me? What do I do then? Do I just sit there and take it?” “When that happens,” I say, “your first impulse will be to blame back, rebel, or hurt back. Don’t do it. Think of times such as these as opportunities to make the relationship better, to lead by your example. Every time your partner attempts to blame, control, or hurt you, you have a chance to lead your relationship in a better direction by putting your ego aside and responding in a positive and constructive way. You need to be a leader and not a follower.”

Clients must learn that they do not control what their partners say or do, but they always choose their responses. Teach them to choose not to retaliate by blaming back, rebelling, or hurting back. These reactions only escalate anger; they intensify the argument and make problem-solving impossible. Clients cannot get ahead when they are trying to get even. Moreover, the blame, control, and hurt in their relationships will not stop as long as they willingly participate in it. To solve problems, clients must see their partners as allies rather than adversaries. One can be willing to tell the partner how he/she feels if he or she is mistreating, but avoid participating in the destructive behavior. “Change has to start somewhere,” I tell them. “Rather than showing your willingness to fight, demonstrate your willingness to accept responsibility for your behavior and to cooperate in finding solutions to your problems.” My clients use the guide below as a basic guide when they feel blamed, bossed around, or attacked by their partners.

The first step in effective problem-solving is to create an environment in your relationship that is conducive to solving problems. Learning to discuss problems without blame, control, or hurtful behavior, (and learning to respond appropriately to a partner’s blame, control, and hurt) is a big step in the right direction. As long as these behaviors persist in our clients’ relationships, they have an environment that is more conducive to fighting than problem-solving. The concepts presented here, and the homework assignment that follows, help clients create an atmosphere in which problem-solving comes naturally. Getting back to the OK Zone becomes easier once clients learn to avoid the barriers to problem-solving that blame, bossy, and hurtful behaviors produce.

A Useful Homework Assignment

Years ago, before these concepts were organized into a treatment plan, my clients and I spent a lot of time trying to understand why their problem-solving efforts sometimes failed. As time passed, we recognized that the failures were nearly always associated with blaming, controlling, or hurtful things our clients said to their partners. Whenever this occurred, a fight ensued and one or both partners got out of The Box. About this time one brave soul in the group, whom we shall call Bill, offered to conduct an experiment. “When I go home tonight,” he said, “I’ll ask my wife if I ever come across as controlling and see what she says.” The group thought that was a good idea, and Bill offered to tell us how the experiment went the following week.

When the group met the following week, we were curious about Bill’s experiment. How did it go? “Well,” said Bill, “the first thing I can tell you guys is this: if you don’t want to know the answer, DON’T ASK!” Bill went on. When he asked his wife if he was controlling, she rolled her eyes and exclaimed, “All the time! You’re ALWAYS trying to tell me what to do!” Bill was surprised, to say the least. “No I don’t!” he said defensively. “Oh, yes you do,” his wife countered, “and I hate it.”

As the week went on, Bill and his wife talked a lot about his controlling behavior, and how it made her feel. To his credit, he eventually accepted her criticism. “She was right,” he told us in the group. “I’ve been pretty bossy to her all these years, and I didn’t even realize it. No wonder we fight so much.” We asked him how he was going to stop his controlling behavior, since much of the time he did not even seem to know that he was doing it. “I’ll do two things,” Bill promised. “First, when we start to get mad and fight, I’ll ask myself if I’m trying to solve a problem by telling her what to do. If I am being bossy, I will apologize and start over. I also asked her to tell me whenever she felt like I was being bossy to her. That way, I’ll see my controlling behavior even quicker and I can stop it before we get into a fight.” As the weeks came and went, we often asked Bill how his “experiment” was going. “Great!” he would say. “We’re actually talking about our problems instead of fighting all the time. I can’t believe the difference!” Bill got such good results with his experiment that it became an important part of our counseling program.

Step One:

Ask clients to take the first step towards removing blame, control, and hurt from their relationships by removing them from their own behavior. Change has to start somewhere; it might as well start with them. To begin the change, they will ask their partners each of the three questions below:

1. Do you feel like I try to boss you around and tell you what to do?

2. Do you feel like I blame you for our problems?

3. Do you feel like I say things just to hurt you?

The client should listen carefully to the partner’s answers and write them down. Even better, clients can ask their partners to write their answers on a sheet of paper. Advise clients to avoid getting defensive if they do not like what they hear. Just listen.

Step Two:

If their partners answer “yes” to any of the questions above, have clients follow Bill’s example and ask their partners the question: “I want to change, and I can use your help. The next time you feel like I’m being bossy (or blaming or hurtful), will you tell me?”

Step Three:

Have your clients record incidents in which their partners tell them that they are coming across as blaming, controlling, or hurtful when they discuss a problem. A format like the one below to record these interactions is helpful. If a few days go by without anything to record, clients should remind their partners that their feedback would help them make important changes. Repeat the invitation. Partners should be encouraged to let our clients know whenever they feel like they are being blaming, bossy, or hurtful toward them. (Remember, however, that this is an exercise for clients who have already demonstrated their ability to stay in The Box during conflict, and are prepared to enhance their problem-solving skills.)

Homework Exercise

Incident Log: Blaming, Controlling, and Hurtful Statements

Have the courage (and the humility) to create the proper environment for problem-solving. When your partner tells you that you are controlling, blaming, or hurtful, set your pride and your ego aside for the good of your relationship. Stop, apologize, and start over. Do not get defensive. Thank your partner for helping you make meaningful changes in your life. You will find that you are starting to solve your problems rather than fight about them.

1. My partner said I was coming across as: (Circle one)

Blaming   Controlling   Hurtful

2. Record your response to your partner’s feedback to you. What did you say to your partner after he or she told you that you were acting in a blaming, controlling, or hurtful manner?

3. How did the situation turn out? Were you able to resume problem-solving and return to the OK Zone? Be specific.

Steps in Non-Abusive Problem Solving

When clients adhere to The Box model, they apply the concept that non-abusive problem-solving is the only way to remove tension between themselves and their partners. Problem-solving skills assume much importance in maintaining an abuse-free relationship. By applying effective and appropriate problem-solving strategies, they stay in The Box during times of conflict. The following six-step problem-solving strategy is used in our program, and it is recommended as a starting point for most abusive clients.

By ridding themselves of blame, control, and hurtful statements, clients break down the walls between themselves and their partners, and create an environment in which problem solving can be successful. Clients then learn a step-by step procedure that will guide them through the problem-solving process and back to the OK Zone of The Box. In introducing these problem-solving steps, it helps to review some of the basic concepts of The Box model for your clients. The model suggests that conflict usually follows a predictable cycle. At first, everything is OK between clients and their partners. That is, there are no major problems or stressors, and both partners are generally satisfied with the way things are going. Tension grows between the couple when a problem surfaces. If the couple is unable to reach an agreement about how to resolve the problem, tension mounts and an argument occurs. Among this population, arguments escalate until one or both partners get out of The Box, and enter the domains of verbal abuse and spousal violence. As illustrated below, effective problem-solving eliminates the tension, which is an important step toward maintaining an abuse-free relationship.

With practice, clients in my program have been able to effectively apply the following six-step method for solving many relational problems. At first, the steps feel unnatural to them, but that is only because the steps are new. The steps feel more natural as they get accustomed to them. The important thing is that these steps work for the majority of clients. They get clients back to the OK Zone. As with any of the other skills discussed in this course, however, they take time and practice to master. When you introduce clients to the steps in this problem-solving procedure, have them keep the following points in mind:

The Six Steps

I tell my clients that the problem-solving area in The Box is exactly six steps wide. Take those six steps, and they will re-enter the OK Zone; the tension behind that specific problem will go away. However, “mine fields” surround each of the six steps. “Mine fields?” they ask, “What the hell do you mean, ‘mine fields?’” “Well,” I say, “the problem-solving area of The Box is littered with hidden mines that can derail the whole problem solving effort if you step on one. You have to know where the mines are to avoid them. Relax. I’ll tell you where the mines are located each step along the way. Before talking about those explosive mines, take a look at the six problem-solving steps you will have to take every time a problem knocks you and your partner out of the OK Zone.”

The Six Problem-Solving Steps:

1. Identify the real problem.

2. Tell your partner how you view the problem.

3. Understand your partner’s point of view.

4. Working together as a team, create as many solutions as possible.

5. Mutually pick a solution or a combination of solutions to try for a week.

6. Evaluate your progress one week later.

Step One: Identify the Real Problem

Clients often acknowledge that they had a fight with their partners, but the next day, they could not remember what the fight was about. Alternatively, clients felt that the problems that they wanted to talk about were different from the issues that their partners saw as important. In instances such as these, the chances are good that the client poorly defined the problem to begin with. Before bringing up a problem, clients should be sure that they understand what the real problem is. The client has to know what the real problem is before he or she can work with the partner to solve it. They should take time to think about what is really bugging them (or bugging their partners), and try to be clear in their own minds what the problem is before they start fixing things. Like a carpenter, they need to know what they want to build before they pick up their tools and start hammering away.

CAUTION: MINEFIELD

The task of identifying the right problem brings clients to the first “mine field” in the problem solving area. When clients identify the problem incorrectly, problem-solving often ends before it gets started. Even worse, couples find themselves fighting the same battle repeatedly, never finding a solution. That is what happened to Joe and his partner, Carla. They repeatedly stepped on this mine, which caused frequent fights and deep-seated resentment between them.

Joe liked to go out with his friends for a few drinks from time to time. He did not do this often – he met his friends at a club once a month or so – and he always let Carla know about his plans ahead of time. One day, Joe told his counseling group, “I don’t get it. Carla and I have been fighting all weekend. It’s the same old problem. Every time I go out with the guys she gives me hell, and I’m sick of it!”

We asked Joe to tell us more. “Well,” he said, “I hardly ever go out with the guys, but every time I do Carla gets mad. She says I always go out with the guys, but I never take her anywhere. She knows that’s not true! I always come home right after work, and we do stuff together almost every weekend. Just last week, we went to Las Vegas. We’ve been fighting all weekend about whether I spend enough time with her. I’ve even asked her to go with me when I see the guys, but she won’t go. We go through this every time I go out with my friends.”

After all the arguments and fights about whether Joe spent enough time with Carla, they never addressed the real problem. Can you guess what it was? The real problem became clear later, and it had nothing to do with the amount of time that Joe and Carla spent together. The real problem had to do with Carla’s insecurity about what took place on Joe’s nights out. It turns out that Danny, one of Joe’s friends, was a real womanizer. Carla knew it. Hell, everybody knew it. Danny chased women in the singles’ clubs, and Carla knew that Joe would be with Danny when he went out with the boys. The thought of Joe being part of that scene made Carla angry and insecure. Once the real problem came out, Joe and Carla were able to talk about it openly and find a solution by following the rest of the problem-solving steps. Joe still spends time with his friends, but he participates in activities that are more sensitive to his girlfriend’s concerns. More importantly, the fighting has stopped.

Sometimes, what our clients and their partners argue about is not the real problem. Clients must understand the real problem before they try to solve it. Uncovering the real problem may take some digging, but once it is identified, a workable solution can usually be found.

Step Two: Tell Your Partner How You See the Problem

After clients identify the problem, they bring it to their partners’ attention. This sounds easy, but this is the step where problem-solving often goes wrong. Clients do not want to make a partner defensive – they are not looking for a fight. They must present the problem in a way that promotes cooperation and a feeling that the client and his or her partner are working together against the problem. Clients must remember that the partner is not the problem, and that the partner is a most important ally in resolving the problem. “Attack the problem,” I advise my clients, “not your partner.”

CAUTION: MINEFIELD

The most common mistake new clients make is asking a partner the wrong question. They ask, “Who’s to blame for this problem?” rather than “How can we work together to solve this problem?” Nothing derails problem-solving quicker than bringing up an issue in an accusing and blaming manner. That approach puts clients and their partners on opposite sides of the fence; they become adversaries rather than allies, and that is not a smart thing to do if they really want to solve problems.

Spouses can argue for years without agreeing about who is to blame for a problem. Like a dog chasing its tail, that argument just goes on forever. It is a wiser strategy to avoid the whole question of blame. It is important to stress that it is not necessary to assign blame for a problem to solve it. For many abusive clients, this concept comes as a revelation. In our problem-solving steps, the question of blame never comes up. To avoid stepping on the “blame mine,” I have my clients avoid using words that convey blame, such as “YOU” and “YOUR” when telling their partners how they see the problem. They try to restrict themselves to words like “WE” and “OUR” because they are inclusive and foster a feeling of teamwork. This is harder to do than it sounds.

Here is an example. Dan, a newer client, received a bill from the bank for a bounced check that his girlfriend Kelly had written. This is how he brought up the problem: “YOU have a problem. YOU bounced another check! I don’t understand how YOU can be so irresponsible. Do YOU have any idea how much YOU are costing us? What are YOU going to do about it?” He acknowledged that his attempt to resolve the problem ended in disaster. Kelly became defensive and angry. “There would be money in the account if YOU didn’t spend it all on that damn car of yours!” shouted Kelly. The fight was on, and so ended any real chance to solve the problem.

Dan’s group members helped him rehearse a different approach to the same problem. To a group member playing Kelly, Dan said, “WE have a problem. WE don’t have enough money in OUR account to cover all the checks WE write. WE are getting bounced check charges, and its costing US money. Let’s think about what WE can do to keep this from happening again.” We asked Dan which problem-solving approach he thought would work best, and which approach was more likely to keep them on the same team and maintain a spirit of cooperation. Further, which approach is likely to generate defensiveness and lead to a fight about whose fault it is? The group reminded Dan that the words used to bring up a problem matter. Stay focused on the problem, rather than who is to blame.

Assigning blame is provocative. Moreover, blame is irrelevant once clients become skillful problem-solvers. Clients also learn to stay in control of their voices – never shout or yell, swear, threaten, or verbally assail a partner. Body language is also important. When it comes to non-abusive problem-solving, how clients say something is just as important as what they say. The key to avoiding the “mine fields” in the second problem-solving step is to avoid blaming. When clients report that they are fighting about their problems rather than solving them, blame is often the “mine” that has been derailing them.

Step Three: Demonstrate Understanding of Your Partner’s Opinion

In step three, clients ask their partners how they see the problem. The client’s goal is to demonstrate understanding of the partner’s opinion. The goal is not to reach agreement or to make the partner see things differently. Clients often report that it is helpful to reflect their partners’ opinions back until they demonstrate to their partners that they understand them. Once again, the client’s goal is to be able to see the problem through the eyes of the partner. It is often helpful to rehearse using language such as, “Let me be sure I understand you. The way you see it is ___, right?” Clients keep reflecting with their partners until they get it right. It is important to understand the partner exactly. The better that partners understand each other, the easier it will be to find a solution that both find acceptable, and the more effective the problem-solving will be.

Clients usually feel better about this step when I explain that the goal is to show understanding, and that demonstrating understanding of their partners’ opinions does not mean that they must agree with their partners. It only shows that they understand and respect their opinions. Feeling understood usually reduces anger and defensiveness. Again, the better that partners understand each other’s concerns, the better they will be able to find workable solutions to their problems.

CAUTION: MINEFIELD

Derailment of the problem-solving process during step three usually happens when one partner invites the other to give an opinion, and then tells him or her how stupid and misguided the opinion is. A “who’s right” argument follows, which escalates into a fight. A “who’s right” argument is one in which each partner tries to win and make the spouse say, “You’re right and I’m wrong.” I have known “who’s right” arguments between family members that have gone on for years without resolution. When this occurs, the real problem is forgotten and unsolved.

Step Four: Create As Many Solutions as Possible

Clients work with their partners to make a list of as many possible solutions to the problem as they can. This is a time to be playful and creative. Neither partner should be afraid to include solutions that seem impossible or unworkable; solutions are not evaluated as “good” or “bad” at this point. Have clients write down all of the ideas, no matter how unlikely the ideas seem at first. Make sure that both partners contribute to the list of possible solutions.

CAUTION: MINEFIELD

When the problem-solving process gets derailed in step four, it is usually because one partner insists upon evaluating the other partner’s solutions as silly or unworkable, or because one partner tries to control what gets on the list. When that happens, the other partner does not feel like an equal partner. He or she feels frustrated, causing the problem-solving process to break down. Every suggestion should make it onto the list, and each partner should get an equal opportunity to contribute. If clients do not like their partners’ suggestions, advise them to keep their opinions to themselves.

Step Five: Mutually Pick Some Solutions

After clients and their partners develop a list of possible solutions, they work together to pick a solution, or a combination of several solutions, that they both agree to try. Key words to remember here are communication, negotiation, and compromise. Fairness and evenhandedness gets the job done, but trying to bully a partner into accepting unwanted solutions derails the process. Forcing a solution on a partner will not work. The solutions chosen must be mutual. Clients keep working with their partners until they come up with a set of solutions with which they can both live. Partners should write the solutions down, so they have a record of what they have agreed to do.

CAUTION: MINEFIELD

Controlling behavior comes into play here. If clients attempt to dominate this step, if they refuse to negotiate and compromise, they will step on a major “mine.” Suppose the illustration below represents a list of ten possible solutions to a problem.

Solution 1

Solution 2

Solution 3

Solution 4

Solution 5

Solution 6

Solution 7

Solution 8

Solution 9

Solution 10

Maybe our client starts by suggesting solutions 3, 7, and 8. His partner does not like solution 7 at all, and thinks solution 1 is better. Our client does not like solution 1 at all, but he is willing to compromise – he will accept solution 1 if his partner will try solution 7 for a week. His partner says, “No way, but how about solution 9 instead?” Solution 9 was not the first choice for either of them, but it is something they are both willing to try. In the end, our client and his partner agree on solutions 3, 8, and 9. You get the idea; negotiation and compromise win the day when it comes to non-abusive problem-solving.

Step Six: Evaluate Your Progress

This is perhaps the most important step in the whole process. Partners take time to sit down and evaluate how successful (or unsatisfactory) their solutions are. Sometimes their solutions will need adjustment and further experimentation before they develop the best solution. Problem-solving is really a series of experiments. Clients keep experimenting with solutions until the problem is resolved.

CAUTION: MINEFIELD

When partners do not evaluate their progress, they tend to slip back into old behaviors and the problem returns. This can be a frustrating experience for both partners. Clients should always set a time to review their progress with their partners, and to make any needed adjustments to the problem-solving plan.

When Problem Solving Succeeds

When clients and their partners successfully work through a problem, they know they were successful because they “feel” it. The tension between them disappears, and they feel closer to each other than before the problem came up. They have entered the OK Zone of The Box. The tension caused by the problem ceases to exist; it is not there anymore, and the relationship feels healthier and stronger.

Letters to Supplement Problem-Solving

When a couple is unable to resolve problems to its satisfaction, the tension intensifies. The tension can grow so strong that partners stop talking altogether. Letters that openly communicate feelings other than anger can open the door to communication, making problem-solving possible. The letter-writing strategy below opens the lines of communication with a partner by revealing the client’s feelings about anger, sadness, fear, regret, understanding, and love.

The skills and concepts in the preceding pages usually make a significant difference in the way clients handle problems in their relationships. At least, that is what usually happens if our client and his or her partner are still talking to each other. But what can be done when there is so much anger and animosity between them that communication has broken down? How can they work on their problems when they are hardly speaking to each other? In cases such as these, the letter-writing strategy that follows often gets clients and their partners talking again. Letter-writing exercises do not solve their problems, but they do open the door to communication, and that makes problem solving possible.

Many clients have never written a letter before, and they need a lot of help in this regard. They have found it helpful to use a structured letter to say what is on their minds in a constructive way. These letters follow a template that we have developed in our counseling groups. It allows clients to work on their letters at their own pace. The great thing about letters is that clients can think about what they want to say before they say it. Words can be selected carefully and thoughtfully, the letter set aside for a time, and read again later to make sure it is just right before giving it to a partner. What really makes this letter work, however, is that it says the things that need to be said, but rarely are.

How the Letters Work

Couples who are unable to resolve their problems experience an increase in tension between them as time goes by. Feelings of affection that they had for each other when the relationship was new become buried beneath a mantle of hostile feelings like anger, resentment, hurt, and frustration. Abusive behavior becomes more frequent. Tension can grow so strong that talking only makes matters worse. Everything said seems to be misinterpreted; every attempt to bring up a problem triggers a defensive response; the fighting grows more and more hurtful. Finally, the partners stop talking altogether.

When couples experience chronic conflict, they express anger clearly and loudly, but gentler feelings such as affection go unexpressed. In this environment of open hostility, neither partner trusts the other well enough to reveal feelings that could be seen as weakness and make him or her vulnerable to attack. Affection is hidden, if it is still experienced at all, and neither partner trusts the other. Neither wants to be the first to open up, or to reveal him or herself in a way that they could be taken advantage of, or hurt. An oppressive and unforgiving silence permeates the home.

If a client’s relationship has devolved into one like I describe above, the partner already sees him or her as abusive, uncaring, unwilling to listen, and unable to deal with problems in a mature way. That has to change. If clients and their partners are to start talking again (and they must talk to resolve their problems – there is no other way), they have to start giving voice to feelings other than anger. Venting anger during conflict comes easy, but the open hostility has transformed them into adversaries. It is time to end the war.

The letter in this chapter has helped many clients break the silence and start talking to their partners again. Through the letter, clients reveal feelings other than anger – feelings like sadness, regret, and appreciation. Many times, clients are unaware that they have such feelings. Expressing them to their partners helps break through icebound communication by creating a new atmosphere – one of warmth, openness, and trust.

Six Key Feelings

The six key feelings that clients express in the letter are anger, sadness, fear, regret, understanding, and love. Each of the six feelings in the letter has three sentences attached to it. Clients complete each sentence by “filling in the blank.” The author John Gray suggested a similar letter in his popular book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.

The letter touches on six feelings: Anger, Sadness, Fear, Regret, Understanding, and Love. The actual sentences that clients complete are shown below. I have included letters written by people in my counseling groups to help you understand how the letters are written. The letters vary in quality. Some of them were very good, and they got great results. Some of the letters are average, and one of them is…well…terrible! I have included the good, the bad, and the ugly to read so that you can tell the difference between a well-written letter and one that is poorly written. It is important to know the difference. A poorly written letter can make things worse rather than better. The format of the letter is shown below.

ANGER
I’m angry that . . .
I get mad when . . .
I feel frustrated . . .

SADNESS
I’m sad that . . .
It hurts me when . . .
I’m disappointed that . . .

FEAR
I’m afraid that . . .
I’m worried that . . .
I don’t want . . .

REGRET
I’m ashamed . . .
I was definitely wrong . . .
I apologize . . .

UNDERSTANDING
I understand . . .
I see your point about . . .
I know you feel . . .

LOVE
I love . . .
I appreciate . . .
I thank you for . . .

Bob’s Letter

Bob, a client of mine, wrote the following letter to his girlfriend, Alison. The letter surprised Alison, and the exercise had its intended effect of bringing them closer together. It opened doors, and they talked constructively about their problems for the first time. The letter had a positive effect because this was the first time that Bob really took responsibility for his abuse and openly expressed remorse to Alison for his behavior. Bob still had a lot of work to do to make meaningful changes in his life, and he still had to prove that his words were sincere and not just a ploy to keep Alison from leaving. Words are cheap. Nevertheless, his letter got things moving in the right direction; it was a place for Bob and Alison to start. It was important that he acknowledged the pain that his abuse caused Alison.

Dear Alison,

I’m angry that . . . I put my hands on you and called you out of name. (sic)

I get mad when . . . I think about what I did to you.

I feel frustrated . . . that I caused you to fear me and not trust me.

I’m sad that . . . instead of me talking to you I chose to hit you.

It hurts me when . . . I look in your face and see the pain I caused.

I’m disappointed that . . . I put my hands on you.

I’m afraid that . . . one day I will lose you.

I’m worried that . . . you think I’m going to hit you again.

I don’t want . . . to lose my family.

I’m ashamed . . . that I hit you.

I was definitely wrong . . . for ever putting my hands on you.

I apologize . . . for all the wrong I caused.

I understand . . . why you don’t trust me.

I see your point about . . . my big mouth and your fear.

I know you feel . . . hurt and betrayed.

I love . . . you and the kids.

I appreciate . . . the way you hang in there and have hope.

I thank you for . . . all that you ever did and never walked out on me.

Bob openly acknowledged the hurt that he caused Alison. He admitted the shame he felt when, in his words, “I look in your face and see the pain I caused.” He also acknowledged that he had “hurt and betrayed” Alison, and that he was ashamed of himself for hitting her. Good. Bob should have said these things long ago, and they are things that Alison needs to hear.

Also, notice that Bob tells Alison that he loves her, and that his greatest fear is that “I will lose you.” This emotional honesty and opening up to Alison was new ground for Bob. As you will see, the fear of losing one’s partner is a common theme in these letters. Some people react to that fear by becoming even more abusive and controlling, hoping to make their partner too afraid of them to leave. With counseling, other clients realize that their abusive behavior is pushing their partners away, and that realization motivates them to stop the abuse. Remember, it is not the purpose of the letters to resolve significant problems in the relationship. The purpose is to open lines of communication so that clients and their partners can address the problems constructively – by talking again. In addition, this exercise is appropriate for clients who, at a minimum, have shown sincere motivation to stop their abusive behavior, and who have demonstrated their ability to stay in The Box. It is not a tool for abusive clients to keep their victims emotionally tied to them by false hope and empty promises to change.

Donald’s Letter

Donald had just started counseling when he wrote this letter to his wife, Emily. They continued to see each other every week, although they were legally separated. Donald and Emily still seemed to care for each other, but they continued to have verbal sparring matches and reported a high level of anger and conflict in the relationship. Here is Donald’s first draft of his letter to Emily.

Dear Emily,

I’m angry that . . . we argue every other week.

I get mad when . . . you leave there are rude messages on my answering machine. (sic)

I feel frustrated . . . because we are not on the same page.

I’m sad that . . . our marriage hasn’t worked out like it should.

It hurts me when . . . we go days without seeing or talking to each other.

I’m disappointed that . . . I haven’t been more responsible towards my family.

I’m afraid that . . . if I get close to you I will get hurt.

I’m worried that . . . we might not stay together forever.

I don’t want . . . us not to be together.

I’m ashamed . . . that I have pushed you and verbally abused you.

I was definitely wrong . . . for all the times I didn’t tell you I loved you.

I apologize . . . for not being more supportive.

I understand . . . your frustration and feelings of resentment.

I see your point about . . . how spending more time together will bring us together.

I know you feel . . . a little scared, nervous, and unsure.

I love . . . that you have stood by me through thick and thin.

I appreciate . . . you and how you have raised my kids.

I thank you for . . . not jumping ship when the going has gotten tough.

As Donald read his letter to his group, he became deeply emotional. After he wrote the letter, he said he went to Emily and asked her, “Why are you still with me after all the things I’ve done?” Emily replied, “Because I love you.” Emily’s response deeply affected Donald, and he was ashamed of himself. It had been a long time since either had said the words “I love you.” He told her that he was determined to change himself. Emily deserved better, and he knew it. Once again, they were a long way from solving major problems in the relationship, but they had created an environment in which change was possible.

Notice that Donald crossed out the words you leave in the second sentence of his letter. Although he was relatively new to our counseling group, he was applying what he had learned so far by staying out of the “You Mode.” He also opened up to Emily in ways that were new to him. For example, he told her about the ambivalence and fear he felt about being so close to her. He acknowledged that it hurt him to “go days without seeing or talking” to her, but that he was also afraid that “if I get close to you I will get hurt.” This was an important insight for both of them, and it helped explain the mixed messages that Emily often got from Donald, such as all the times when Donald “didn’t tell you I loved you.”

Donald also expressed his shame about his abusive behavior toward Emily, and the commonly expressed fear that she might leave him. Donald’s letter was not perfect. His expression of gratitude towards Emily for “how you have raised MY kids” (instead of OUR kids) smacks of male privilege, an issue that had to be addressed in counseling. Nevertheless, Bob did a good job in his first letter-writing exercise. He discovered a lot about himself, and he revealed it openly to Emily. With communication established, problem-solving could begin.

Jose’s Letter

Jose wrote the following letter to his girlfriend Veronica. He did not follow the suggested format for the letter, and he did not address all of the feelings that are important to address. Jose liked to go his own way. I have included his letter here so you can compare it to the previous letters.

Dear Veronica,

I’m angry that I have put ourselves in such an awful position and the abuse I’ve caused you. I’m hurt that I have lost the trust you once had in me. I’m sad we don’t make love the way we used to. I’m afraid the happiness we once shared got lost and I’m going to work very hard to get it back and more. I’m happy you are here more than anything else. I appreciate all your patience and understanding, your kindness and most of all your love. I love you so very much, the last thing I want to do is lose you. We will overcome these obstacles and have a happy home once again.

Jose reported to the group that he left the letter out for Veronica to find and read. He said that Veronica cried when she read it. Then she came to his room, kissed him, gave him a hug, and they made love. Jose was all smiles, and he thought it was a great homework exercise. “Wow, Dr. Adams,” he said, “these letters work great!” I told Jose that while I was happy he got laid, that was not the purpose of the letter.

Jose should have put more effort into his letter. Notice that clients sometimes use tools such as these for purposes other than those for which they are intended. On the positive side, Jose did acknowledge that his actions had cost him Veronica’s trust and their happiness, and that he was committed to working hard to get it back. Considerable minimizing is evident, however, especially when contrasted with the preceding letters. While Veronica seems to have appreciated the letter, it concerned me that Jose was not very specific about how he planned to change himself to make their “happy home,” nor was he specific about his past abusive behaviors. Maybe I am a pessimist, but I suspect that Jose had other motives for writing the letter.

Peter’s Letter

When Pete read his letter, the more experienced men in his counseling group confronted him strongly. See if you can identify their concerns about his letter as you read it.

Dear Sandra,

I’m angry that . . . my girlfriend and I argue about everything.

I get mad when . . . my girlfriend calls me names.

I feel frustrated . . . when she don’t stop when I ask.

I’m sad that . . . we get into it so much.

It hurts me when . . . she doesn’t like to talk.

I’m disappointed that . . . when I get upset.

I’m afraid that . . . if this keeps on we will break up.

I’m worried that . . . my son will suffer the most.

I don’t want . . . visitation of my son only on court ordered days.

I’m ashamed . . . for going to court.

I was definitely wrong . . .

I apologize . . . for the name-calling.

I understand . . . your feelings.

I see your point about . . . arguing.

I know you feel . . . bad.

I love . . . you.

I appreciate . . . you being such a good mother.

I thank you for . . . understanding.

I hope you were able to identify some of the problems in Peter’s letter. My first impression was that Peter put as little effort and thought into the letter as possible. “I know you feel bad . . . I’m disappointed when I get upset . . . I understand your feelings.” Sentences like these lack substance. They indicate that Peter has little motivation to establish communication or work through problems with his girlfriend. That may be for the best. Spousal abuse counseling is not marriage counseling, and partners should never be encouraged to stay in an abusive relationship. On the other hand, this is the attitude that many clients bring to their initial counseling sessions. Bob, whose letter was discussed earlier, had an attitude similar to that of Peter when he started his counseling.

My second impression was that Peter blamed his partner for their problems. Peter’s letter is full of information about the things he resents about his girlfriend, but he does not have much to say about his own history of abuse towards her (yes, there was an extensive history of abuse). For example, he did not bother to respond to the sentence that begins, “I was definitely wrong…” In another sentence, Peter apologizes for some name-calling, but does not mention his physical abuse. The only thing he is ashamed of is going to court for his acts of spousal abuse. This is an example of the type of letter that can do more harm than good. The worst example, however, is yet to come.

Martin’s Letter

Martin is an angry man. In his letter to his wife, he is too angry to communicate without trying to hurt and abuse. Martin is not ready to solve problems or look at his own behavior objectively. Indeed, he used his letter as an excuse to vent his hostility and heap more destruction on an already battered relationship. It speaks for itself.

Dear Donna,

I’m angry that . . . you lied.

I get mad when . . . you quit your jobs.

I feel frustrated . . . when you lay around all day.

I’m sad that . . . you took my daughter away from me.

It hurts me when . . . you lie.

I’m disappointed that . . . that you lied.

I’m afraid that . . . our relationship is doomed.

I’m worried that . . . you will never understand.

I don’t want . . . you to be my wife anymore.

I’m ashamed . . . that I had to go to jail.

I was definitely wrong . . . to marry you in the first place.

I apologize . . . for nothing.

I understand . . . that I can’t change you.

I see your point about . . . getting a divorce.

I know you feel . . . bitter.

I love . . . someone else.

I appreciate . . . our separation.

I thank you for . . . our beautiful daughter.

Martin’s letter was included an example of what clients should not to do in a letter. Martin’s letter is an example of the behaviors that clients should avoid: blame, avoidance of responsibility, the YOU mode, deliberately and recklessly saying things to hurt, and so on. Thankfully, Martin’s spouse never read the letter.

Letters such as this last one underscore the importance of reviewing exercises before clients present them to their spouses. Martin’s letter also speaks to the importance of setting proper priorities in spousal abuse counseling. Help the client develop the skills and concepts he or she needs to stay in The Box before addressing specific problems in the relationship.

After clients finish their letters, have them read them over once or twice. Have them consider how their words would sound to their partners, and ask themselves if they are being fair to him or her. Try to avoid the YOU mode, and follow all of the guidelines for problem-solving covered in the previous pages. While it is appropriate for clients to express their anger, they need to remember that the purpose of the letter is to say how they feel in a way that increases communication. Never use it as an excuse to punish a partner.

Clients sometimes invite their partners to write their own letters. If so, talk to the client about how to respond to a letter from the partner. Communication is not easy, and it always involves some risks. It is often hard to express anger or other negative feelings without hurting, and it is equally hard to remain respectful when your feelings have been hurt. Nevertheless, a successful relationship requires that clients learn to do both of these things reasonably well – not necessarily perfectly, but reasonably well. A partner must be able to listen to one another’s feelings in a respectful way, and express feelings of his or her own with respect and sensitivity.

It is helpful to develop the right perspective about the anger and hurt that our clients’ partners may express in letters. When a partner expresses anger, criticism, or hurt, the client often reacts as though the partner has said such things as:

Most often, none of these things was said. Defensiveness and hurt often grow out of the erroneous meanings that a client gives to the partner’s expressions of anger or criticism. Anger is not a declaration of war, and criticism is just a request that some changes be made. Most often, no one was really wronged; the partner simply told him how she felt. To the contrary, there is much that is good about a partner’s willingness to trust you with his or her feelings. Opening up and being honest probably was not easy for a partner, especially an abused partner. It took trust, courage, and caring about the welfare of the relationship. Clients need to remember that the partner is taking a risk by opening up to them, just as they are taking a risk by inviting him or her do so.

Encourage clients to respond to a partner’s letter in a respectful manner, and never punish a partner for expressing feelings they do not like. If they cannot say anything positive at the moment, say, “Thanks for writing this letter. Give me some time to think over what you told me, and then we’ll talk about it some more.” If the client gets defensive and angry, the partner will have a hard time trusting them enough to open up in the future.

When clients write letters to their partners, remind them that they can express anger with consideration and respect, as in the first examples, or in manner that is hurtful, demeaning, and mean-spirited, as in the last example. Clients can be truthful without insensitivity, and open without malice. Be mindful that the goal of the letter is to open communication and bring clients and their partners closer together.

Chapter 2: Promoting Changes in Self-Concept

Create a Big Picture

Keeping a “Big Picture” in mind can make a big difference in the way clients choose to behave during times of conflict. A Big Picture allows them to see past day-to-day problems and focus on long-term relationship goals. The pages that follow present a strategy to help clients develop and maintain their own Big Picture. When problems come up and tension starts to build, clients stop to think about their Big Picture. They also bring the Big Picture to mind during self-talk and in time-out periods to put things into perspective. For example, the client remembers to whom they are talking, how important that person is to them, and what they want their relationship to become as the years go by. With a Big Picture in mind, they are more likely to act in a way that is consistent with it.

It is surprising, I tell my clients, how many people lack the basic rudiments of a Big Picture for their relationships. Having no Big Picture, they get caught up in daily quarrels and act towards their partners as if tomorrow didn’t matter. Unable to “see the forest for the trees,” they say and do things that no relationship can long withstand. Common sense tells most of us that we cannot engage in verbally and physically abusive behavior that is certain to destroy our relationships. We know that we cannot swear at our partners, call them demeaning names, physically attack them, and expect that they will continue to love, trust, and respect us. Yet many people who are reasonable and responsible in other areas of their lives do just that. In giving vent to destructive and hostile anger over some perceived slight, they assault their partners with words and behaviors that are sure to antagonize and hurt. In time, feelings of resentment, bitterness, and disappointment replace feelings of affection, tenderness, and hope that were once a source of happiness and optimism for the future.

The daily news talks about war, crime, violence, and brutality in the world. However, not all warfare is waged between nations. Too often, the home is a battlefield in which family members wage vicious verbal and physical combat that erodes love and inflicts lasting emotional scars. Brutality and violence occur not only on dark streets at the hands of strangers, but also in our own homes at the hands of family members.

Although people are often aware of what they’re doing, they persist – sometimes as a matter of stubborn pride, sometimes because they smugly believe that they’re “right” and their partners are “wrong” – until there is no hope at all that the relationship can be saved. All the while, they soothe their guilty consciences by telling themselves that it was all their partners’ faults, that they “pushed my buttons,” and that there was nothing else that they could have done. The result is one of the greatest sicknesses in the world today: the feeling of being unwanted and unloved.

Why do perfectly reasonable adults do and say things that they know will hurt their partners and destroy their relationships? Part of the answer, I tell my clients, may be that people lose sight of the Big Picture. The Big Picture means seeing past day-to-day squabbles and problems; problems are an inevitable part of two people trying to adjust to each other’s differences. The Big Picture means knowing why you got into a relationship with your partner in the first place. It means keeping sight of how you want your relationship to grow, and what you want it to become as the months and years go by. It means letting the power of love replace the love of power.

Many clients have told me that the process of developing a Big Picture for themselves was among the most powerful components of their counseling program. As they thought about why they are in their relationships, what they want it to grow into, and how they see themselves and their relationships twenty years from now, their lives and relations with the people in it assumed new meaning. Talking about the Big Picture requires talking a lot about family and love, although some clients are uncomfortable talking about such things. To introduce the concept, I like to define what “home” means to my clients, and begin by giving clients my own Big Picture. I tell them what my family means to me:

To me, forming a family means doing something great and noble. My family is where “I love you” is expressed sincerely and often. It is the only place on earth where I can know that the most powerful force in the universe is not hate, greed, or some other vice, but love. It’s where I experience love as a verb. It’s where I learn that it is not how much I give that is important, but how much love I put into the giving.

In my family, I find support and relief from the pressures and problems of life, and gain courage from the knowledge that at home there are people who will always be there for me, and upon whom I can always rely. Family is where I experience what it means to be a husband and father. My family is the greatest source of happiness that is within my power to reach. While the work that I do brings me happiness for a time, my family will be a source of joy for my entire life. It is the most important work I’ll ever do. Through my shared experiences with my family, I will build a storehouse of contentment and glad memories upon which to draw. Long after I leave this earth, I will leave something of myself behind – something good that just may, if I set a good example and do my best as a husband and a father, continue to have a positive effect on the lives of my children, and of their children after them.

These are more than just words. It is my Big Picture. This is what I want my relationships to grow into as the years go by. Being far from perfect, I sometimes forget my Big Picture, and when I do, I act foolishly. Sometimes I do and say things that I regret. But I keep coming back to this Big Picture of mine, and I try to keep it in mind when I feel angry or frustrated about something. I stop and remind myself that these people I am speaking to are my wife and children, and I remind myself what they mean to me. I remind myself that my relationship with these people, my connection to the people I love, is all that really matters to me in this world. Then I try to act accordingly. While I do not dwell on it, I know that one day I will inevitably leave this world. When that day comes, I want my wife and children to know beyond doubt that they were loved deeply and profoundly. I regret that I fail at this far too often, but I am trying to improve, and am trying to keep my Big Picture in mind every day.

Henry W. Longfellow, the great American poet, expressed his Big Picture long ago in one of my favorite poems, “The Children’s Hour,” which I sometimes read to groups of hardened, macho clients. Longfellow had the Big Picture; he knew what his relationships meant to him. Many others have written in a similar fashion. One such man was Sullivan Ballou, who served as a Major in the 2nd Rhode Island Volunteers during the American Civil War. An ardent patriot, Major Ballou believed deeply in the cause for which he was fighting, but he was not a fool; anyone could see that many men from both sides would die on this battlefield. Preparations had been underway for some time, and by July of 1861, over 60,000 Union and Confederate soldiers gathered along the banks of Bull Run for the imminent battle. Nearly 5,000 men were about to lose their lives.

One week before the battle started, Major Ballou’s mind was on his two children, Willie and Edgar, and on his wife, Sarah. As sometimes happens on the eve of battle, he had a premonition that he would not survive. There were things he wanted to tell Sarah, things he wanted her to know before he died. On July 14th, in the calm of a summer night, the Major opened his heart to her in a letter. Excerpts from his letter follow.

July 14th, 1861

Camp Clark

My very dear Sarah,

The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days – perhaps tomorrow. Least I should not be able to write you again, I feel impelled to write a few lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more.

Our movement may be one of a few days’ duration and full of pleasure – and it may be one of severe conflict and death to me. If it is necessary that I should fall on the battlefield for my country, I am ready. I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in, the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans upon the triumph of the Government, and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the Revolution. And I am willing – perfectly willing – to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this government, and to pay that debt.

I cannot describe to you my feelings on this calm summer night, when two thousand men are sleeping around me, many of them enjoying the last, perhaps, before that of death – and I, suspicious that Death is creeping behind me with his fatal dart, am communing with God, my country, and thee.

Sarah, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me to you with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me irresistibly on with all these chains to the battlefield.

The memory of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them so long. And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when God willing, we might still have lived and loved together, and seen our sons grow up to honorable manhood around us. I have, I know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me – perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Edgar – that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battlefield, it will whisper your name.

Forgive me my many faults, and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have oftentimes been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness, and struggle with all the misfortune of this world, to shield you and my children from harm. But I cannot. I must watch you from the spirit land and hover near you, while you buffet the storms with your precious little freight, and wait with sad patience till we meet to part no more.

But, Oh Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the garish day and in the darkest night, amidst your happiest scenes and gloomiest hours, always, always; and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath; or the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by.

Sarah, do not mourn me dead. Think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again.

Major Ballou died at Bull Run one week later. Major Ballou, like many soldiers moving toward the field of battle, had the Big Picture when he wrote this letter to Sarah. People in life and death situations often do. Unfortunately, it seems clear to him that there were times when he lost sight of the Big Picture. The lines, “Forgive me my faults and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have oftentimes been!” suggest that there were times when he forgot how important she was to him. It often works that way. Too often, we do not appreciate what we have until it is gone. It is not until we have lost the people we love that we realize how much they mean to us. The realization comes in divorce court, in a child custody hearing, or with the death of a loved one. The Big Picture comes, but it is too late to do anything about it.

Regret is a terrible thing, regret about things we should have said but did not say; regret about wounds we wish we could undo but cannot. As the Major wrote to Sarah, “How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness . . . But I cannot.” How much better life would be if we always kept the Big Picture! Los